A Fluid Journey

one thirty-something's path to her true identity

Story of my Life… February 26, 2017

Filed under: Humor,Random,Stuff and Things — afluidjourney @ 7:41 am
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New Year, New Whatever. February 15, 2017

Filed under: Daily Life — afluidjourney @ 2:45 am
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Happy New Year, people! Our holidays were for all practical purposes perfect this year. Funds were tight but we managed to give the kids a good Christmas. As the adults, we got more than we expected. I got to see my brother and his girls and my mom and dad were actually in good spirits instead of being all stressed and grinchy. Our New Years was pretty low key. We spent the evening at home with our best friends and their kids. We drank and watched movies and drank while we watched the ball drop with the kids. I have interviewed with two more new places and still no bites yet. It’s making me a bit crazy but I will prevail. Eventually. It isn’t a big deal but it is adding to my timeline. We had an anniversary a few days ago. 16 years. A LOT has happened. Right now though, I’m more interested in the last 8 months and what hasn’t happened. The man left again yesterday morning. He’s at least still in the state this time but at this point it’s open ended and I have no idea how long he’ll be on this job. Per diem kicked in though and he was bumped up a few bucks for this job so that’s nice. My kids are sick. Thankfully they’re on the upward swing and can go back to school tomorrow. Seeing as neither of them are going to be in school today, you’d think my ass would be in bed asleep. Nope. I’m up because I have to deliver Valentine’s cards to the little one’s class. I promised. Oh! I should get my ass in gear and take those.

And holy fuck it’s now like 2am. LOL. I’m such a fucking scatter brain. I played board games and video games all day. I made dinner. I bathed a small, splashing ass boy. I talked to the man. His company booked his hotel room for the next 24 nights, so I know he’s at least gone to this job in this city for that long. The follow up is in Mississippi. We’ll just have to see if they send him to oversee that one or move him on to the next city and I have no idea where that one is. I’m waiting for our taxes to be released. If they’re in my bank by the weekend, I may leave my kids with their grandmother and her boyfriend, and head north. I can get myself a hotel room and make a spa appointment. I might invite him over to spend a night with me and go eat at my favorite little gyro place and go see a movie or something. And I’d love to get to Sephora and pick my daughter up this lipstick she’d love and I need some new springy nail polish. We’ll see. I could always just stay in town and go to my regular day spa and hair salon. My daughter needs her hair done, too. The boy could use a haircut. And if I do leave I need to get my oil changed first. Shit. I just need to make a list. I’ll never remember all the shit that I actually need to do. For now, it’s bed. I need to be up in 3 hours and 15 minutes.

 

I Give. December 15, 2016

Filed under: Children,Daily Life,Dreams,Work — afluidjourney @ 11:13 am
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I have two paydays between today and Christmas. I haven’t even started shopping. Ugh. When I do, it will be too late for shipping most stuff so I’m actually going to have to GO shop. In public. Last minute. With every other germ infested southerner in the mall, the shopping centers, and the grocery stores. God…. and what in the hell do I get my kids? My daughter is begging for a cell phone (that she doesn’t need) and the only thing outside her damn tablet or kindle that she’s interested in is books. And right now she’s sitting on like 20 she hasn’t read yet because she buys like 3 a week! My son doesn’t really give a shit, he just wants stuff. Of course since he never removes his face from a laptop or a tablet, he’s not actually interested in anything else. How the fuck do you buy for kids like these? They both have piles (yes, literal piles… or stacks, however you want to put it) in their bedrooms from last Christmas of things that STILL haven’t even been so much as TOUCHED. Seriously… how do you buy for these kids? They’re not ungrateful or anything. They’re very sweet and make great grades and listen fairly well for the most part, so I can’t ban them from media or take stuff away for no reason and I already limit their time but every chance they get… nose squarely placed in tablet screen. The only thing I can think to do is get each of them something small from us, like a bit of clothes and some books or board games for the boy and maybe some music and new makeup for the girl, then make Santa something big for both of them to play with. Get them actively doing something other than sticking their noses in their tablets. Like a few STEM games/build-ables and maybe a basketball goal and new ball. I’d love for them to get creative and have fresh air and DO something.

Also… this week I finally got a few calls from one of the jobs I mentioned FOREVER ago. It isn’t the remote one that I really want, but it is a pretty penny more than I’m making now so it’s still good for me. They got my driver’s license info a few days ago to start the background check and called back to set up an interview for Friday. Ohhhhh… I *need* this. I want it, too. I do. It’s not my dream job, but it could help me out a lot and put me in a position to do something different later on. I’m nervous and scared and excited all at the same time.

Next week the kids get out of school, my bother and his girls come to town, my sister comes to town, and hopefully my parents can get my grandmother up here, too. I turn 38 next week also. A new job would be a great Christmas/birthday present. For me and my kids. I won’t even be upset if I have to work the new job over the holidays. If they make a decision that soon. I’m actually hoping that since I’m being considered, that they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel. Not that I’m not a great catch and asset but that I’m woefully un(der)qualified for this specific position and will consider it a great accomplishment and achievement WHEN I get it. I do wonder how this will change my Colorado timeline though. This job could be a huge building block for me. I’m going to have to seriously consider sticking around long enough to put in a good record of time at this place. Then I can take the experience with me. It’s kind of the whole reason I was hoping to get one of the remote jobs so I could work anywhere I had a high-speed internet connection but whatever. It is what it is and my plans usually never go the way they’re supposed to go anyway. I’m finally learning to adapt. this job could lead to my remote job though. I’m rambling. I’m just excited.

On a totally unrelated note I found a new song to love. I heard it in a Full Frontal with Samantha Bee commercial. It took me longer to find than I had hoped but I did it.

 

Protected: Taste It. November 30, 2016

Filed under: Dreams,Politics,Random,Uncategorized — afluidjourney @ 11:31 pm
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Amazingly Enough… November 8, 2016

Filed under: Daily Life,Dreams,Work — afluidjourney @ 5:47 pm
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… I’m back already. But I had to come bitch because I realized it’s November. I fucking hate November. I kinda feel bad for that too because my oldest was born in November. (Holy shit. In a matter of days I will be the parent of a …wait for it… TEENAGER.) But the last few years November has been the worst thing to ever happen. EVER. Bad memories surrounding what happened with my sister in law’s death and my brother being a shell of who he once was, mine and another’s relationship, worrying about the holidays and money, seasonal depression… you know, STUFF. ALSO… today is election day!! Dun dun dun! I hope to fuck that that dumpster fire Donald Trump loses in GLORIOUS fashion. That racist, bigoted, xenophobic, anti-intellectual, science denying, misogynistic, sexist, demagogue sexual predator has no fucking business near the fucking White House. I have morals and a conscience and kids. And I can’t reconcile that and him at the same time. NOPE. Anyway, this November is not going to suck (if it lasts past tonight). I’m still being job positive and I found out interviews are next week! Also, I think I have my tiny house picked and the best part is it’s already on a chunk of property! The property comes with lot rent but I have somewhere to live with easy access to downtown Denver. WOOT. The layout isn’t really what I want but the size is good. I hope it won’t be too hard to have renovated later on to make better use of the space for me. Not only are interviews next week for jobs I have already put in for, I applied for another one. It’s remote work so I can work from ANYWHERE. I like it. Colorado looms closer. Especially if I get the remote job! I think I did really well on my application. I hope I did. That job could be a life changer.

 

Failure. October 27, 2016

Filed under: Daily Life,Dreams,Random — afluidjourney @ 6:02 am
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For some reason I can’t seem to post regularly anymore. Life still, maybe? I mean I could use that excuse but sometimes I think about it and then I just don’t do it. I’m flighty with my ADD that way. And honestly, I only write for one person anyway. Sure I talk to “you people” but whatever… I’ve given up on the life of a Southern woman and have decided not to go further South back to my original home. While I would love to be at the beach, I think I can do better for myself if I go West. I found the perfect tiny house and we are going to live on a small chunk of property and have chickens and a few goats and Colorado’s best cash crop. Really it’s going to be finding the right property (finding somewhere to legally have it that is NOT in some little hippie commune) and making sure I have well rights and/or access to city hookups. If I wanted to have to finish a build myself, I have already found a place. But really, I’m no carpenter. I’ve finally figured out after two kids and a marriage that is more and more like a roommate arrangement, that I’m also no housewife. I mean I am and I like taking care of my stuff, I’ve just figured out I want the rest of them to take care of their own stuff. I am failing at the one thing I’ve been doing and I’m pretty much done. I literally can’t handle me, them, house, life shit and shopping in general at the same time, in the same space. I gotta get out of here for my health. I gotta get out of here for my kids. Otherwise they’re going to continue to watch me fall apart and rot. I hate to be this dramatic, but I need to get on with the changes that started 8 years ago. I gotta change the dynamic and direction and hop out there and take a fucking leap. My credit score is looking good. My (personal) debt is more than I’d like it to be but I have student loans I’m paying off so at least I’m putting a dent in it. I have applications and my resume in to two new places because they pay more than I make right now. I do the employment screening (i.e. drug testing) for one hopefully by tomorrow this week. When I get one of them (power of positive thinking) I’m going to be able to save my down payment that much quicker. And I think I can haggle on the price if I keep my offer reasonable. I already have a loan company, my realtor in the Denver area (to find my property), and a timeline. I’m done waiting for the right time. It’s past time. I’m doing this. I’m not asking for permission. My family knows what I want and where I plan to go. The rest is open to interpretation and up for discussion. It should also be noted for some stupid reason that it took me a month to write this damn post. And lastly, I just finished watching Luke Cage on Netflix and I can’t get this song out of my head.

 

Well, Shit. February 18, 2016

Filed under: Daily Life,Family,Marriage — afluidjourney @ 5:21 pm
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I’ve done it again. Neglected writing. Ignored you people. And I’m sorry for the absence but I do have things to do and kids to keep alive. I haven’t stopped going or doing in the time I have been gone. My husband went back to work. And that was amazing to say the least. He’s decided that this is the job he’s going to stick with. How long that decision lasts is unknown but it better be quite awhile though because he just bought a motor home to live in while on the road. One months payment and lot rent for wherever he is staying is still half as much as his hotel living. At least we get a vacation home/vehicle out of it. Um, let’s see, what else? I met with a new tattoo artist the end of October. He’s going to finish my right shoulder and sleeve and I should meet with him again in the coming weeks to see what he’s come up with. My husband, children, and I all had birthdays. The boy child wanted to go see a movie and have ice cream cake, so that’s what we did. Every child he invited was female. Oy. I can’t believe he’s 6. My daughter wanted to go bowling and have “Walking Dead” cupcakes. I obliged and the cupcakes we ordered were fucking amazing. Between her 12th birthday and Thanksgiving we had someone move into our house uninvited. I walked into my kitchen one night and opened my cabinet to see two beady little eyes looking back at me. I had a mouse. My stomach lurched and my skin crawled and I immediately went fucking nuclear on my house. Like right then. I started cleaning at 11:47 pm and over the next three days I cleaned out every cabinet, closet, drawer, nook, cranny, shadowed area, EVERYWHERE in my house. Then I bought some poison and took out TWO mice. My lovely cats took out mouse number THREE once I started opening up all the cabinets and they could snoop. When they caught and killed the third one I got some of that foam sealant and closed up every little crack and space and crevice that the little vermin might have come in from. We haven’t seen one since AND I did a thorough top to bottom cleaning job on my house just in time to not have company and be able to go elsewhere for Thanksgiving. I cooked dinner for my MIL, her boyfriend, and my little people. I made the turkey and ham all by my lonesome. They were fabulous if I do say so myself. And I was really happy to get to cook. It just meant a lot for me to be able to do it this time. Maybe I’m getting sentimental in my old age. Then the two weeks at home being lazy with my man and the kids for Christmas was heaven for the most part. We ate out, saw a few movies (Star Wars nearly killed me. I cried.), went shopping, visited with friends, and spent New Years drinking with all our people. Fun sex. Comfortable sex. We even joked about “old sex” one night after too little sleep the night before, too many drinks beforehand, and deciding to just give in and pass out. Since I’m getting older and have spent the last few years trying to do for me, I finally joined a gym instead of moonlighting at one and paying per visit. Having a place to belong is nice. Knowing I can head in any time I want and ride or run away my anger and sadness and fear and all the bullshit that builds up and can’t be expressed properly, is great. I stick my phone in my sports bra or roll it in the waistband of my yoga pants, stick my earbuds in and block out the entire world. I can run steadily or climb the elliptical for an hour or so before my legs feel like jelly and I can’t go any more. Hell, I’m even taking vitamins. And occasionally using the tanning bed. Closer to 40 than 30 and NOW I start trying out a tanning bed. I must be crazy. I’ve had regular visits to the day spa for waxing and mani/pedis. I got all my hair chopped off and next I’m putting a turquoise streak in it. I have been to a concert with my sister and one with my best friend. This Spring I’m taking my kids to one and this Summer my husband and I are going to see The Cure. I didn’t get that fabulous job I wanted last Fall but I wasn’t exactly qualified for it so it wasn’t a total shock. I’m up for something different now and am having to make a few lifestyle choices to accomplish it. We’ll see. It’s just hard, you know? I haven’t worked outside of my home and my family, except only fleetingly, since 2003. And putting college on the back burner for a second time isn’t exactly advancing my opportunities either. Truth be told though, I have fallen in love with doing the Suzy Homemaker thing over the years. I’d love nothing more than to get my Master’s, have another kid before 45, and stay home with said baby. But I want my fucking degree already. I mean I can taste it. I want the opportunity it will afford me. Even after 40. Even if it’s just contract work from home. I’d love that. I’m very indecisive. I’ve wanted to be about a million things in my adult life and really only ever been and done one thing. I dunno. What else? The small kid had surgery. The big kid shunned her church after seeing (what she considered to be) a bigoted message on their sign. Our anniversary and now Valentine’s have passed. Next big thing should be Spring Break with my brother and his girls. I think he’s looking into beach houses for us to share. Hopefully you’ll hear from me before then.